I belive that when talking with people who are casual acquaintances, controversial subjects like politics and religion should NOT be brought into the conversation. It's just not appropriate, and can only lead to trouble: arguments, fisticuffs, projectile vomiting, etc. My parents instilled this bit of etiquette, and I believe it to be a good theory.
Unfortunately, it seems that my neighbor doesn't believe that religion is off the chit-chat plate.
I live in military housing. Far from being luxurious, the homes are small, but nice, and close together. I really have no complaints about mine. Because our neighborhood is so safe--think Beaver Cleaver's neighborhood--most of the neighbors will talk with each other while out doing yard work or supervising their kids. Pretty nice, most of the time.
My across-the-street neighbor (we'll call her Stigma) is VERY RELGIOUS. Fine by me. I'm not, but I don't care what other people believe in--that's their business. Unfortunately, this neighbor throws religion into every conversation, and it's starting to piss me off. Case in point: the Dogwood Conversation.
I was helping my next-door-neighbor (we'll call her Ms. Lowe's--more about her later) put in a dogwood tree. Dogwoods are beautiful trees that have huge, white, pink or even red blooms in the early spring--now. Stigma wandered over and said, "Oh, a dogwood! Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was crucified on a dogwood. They were very tall back then, you know."
I didn't know.
"And," she continued, "because it was so sad at being used this way, Jesus made it so the dogwood would stay a small tree from then on, so it could never be used to crucify people again!" Then she smiled happily. She was COMPLETELY SERIOUS.
At this point, Ms. Lowe's and I just looked at each other. What the hell do you say to THAT?
My initial reaction was to burst into laughter. My second reaction was anger. I HATE it when people gush religious claptrap, especially obviously stupid religious claptrap. It puts everyone into an awkward situation. What to say? That dogwoods don't even grow in the Holy Land? That dogwoods don't crucify people, people crucify people? Yeesh! All I could do was smile vacantly and make a "Mmmmmhmmm" noise. Seething all the while.
Now, I can't even look at that little dogwood tree without feeling a small spurt of annoyance.
2 comments:
Those damn dogwoods, you really have to keep an eye on them. You never know when they'll just start crucifying people right and left, then feel bad about it later. Then it's up to Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to haul the dogwood's sorry ass out of the fire again. As if Our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ doesn't have enough to do already without shifing the size of dogwoods around!
This is where the "non-committal-grunt" comes into play. If you want to be nice, since this woman does live across the street from you in a close-knit community, the grunt is really the only response. Sounds like you had it down with the "Mmmmmmm..." noise. I'm proud of your restraint. You could have asker her if the Romans are smaller now too.
Now you know that when any conversation starts with the words, "Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ..." you need to yell something like, "Yikes, I think I left my Bible open inside the house!" and just run the other way.
Luckily, she will be moving this summer, so perhaps I can keep my mouth firmly closed until they leave. Her other quote: "I was so sick during the week of the Holy Father's funeral. God must have made me sick just so I could stay home and watch the funeral." YES. God and CNN.
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